Why did I make this video?
It took me a while to decide whether or not I share this side to me. It has been something that has really shaped my view on friends & relationships outside of my family.
I ended up filming this because I knew it wasn’t just me that had this happen as a kid. Being bullied & teased because you are different & its not something that ever really leaves you. It has really impacted my trust with friends & especially anyone who breaches my trust. This series wasn’t uploaded because I want people to feel bad for me, yes I got emotional but that is because its something that has really effected me & so talking about it triggers me in a way with emotions. I want you to be able to relate to me, to feel less alone when you feel like you have no-one or maybe you are struggling with accepting your past was & how it has effected you today.
“People are 50 years old dealing with something
that happened when they were 5 because they didn’t deal with it then”
I know this to be true because that is what I am facing now. something happened 9 years ago & I am struggling to 100% let it go & because I struggle in the present with relationships & allowing myself to truly trust people, I realise in order to let that past experience go I need to re-group with myself more often & take small steps that get me somewhere not a huge leap in the deep end, because that’s not what this is & I kept doing that with people & trust. so by taking things slow I can get there. It will take a while. It’s not going to be easy but I know it’ll be worth it & I am up for the challenge to get to where I want to be.
Why did I make this a series instead of just one video?
I had originally made it one video & it was 35 mins long & I wasn’t sure if you guys would last a video that long especially when I cover so much! So by splitting it into 3 shorter videos its easier to watch, plus my content is spread evenly!
Was I worried about negative comments/responses?
I was nervous about putting it out for everyone to see because it was so personal & is something I am still challenged with. In saying that I have always said I want you to be able to follow me on my journey of Recovery, Balance & Mindset as I am now & as I am learning & growing through & from what Life throws my way! I wouldn’t say I was worried about negative responses. I think everyone will watch this with a mindset of where they are at, what they are learning & if they don’t agree that’s totally fine!
Whats your motivation with this?
My motivation was to not only be able to gain strength & courage to not only talk to the camera about my past & how it has effected me but to face my emotions while I talk. I sometimes had to stop recording because you couldn’t understand what I was saying as I talked through my tears but that’s not me ‘not’ facing my emotions just because I wasn’t fully crying on camera, I was still allowing myself to be upset & sad whilst I still took from it strength to pick myself back up & continue to express my story. (also I am teary writing this so yay….ah)
I also was motivated because I knew this isn’t just about me & my trust issues. It’s about my expressing myself & hoping that there are more people watching that can connect & realise they aren’t alone & that they are not dealing with problems because of who they are but because of what may have happened years & years ago that was never emotionally acknowledged & worked through. However I still feel strongly about a reaction being your responsibility so in saying all that I have reacted to my experience by not trusting people & not being able to even trust a new friend who I don’t know as I said in my video. Better late then never so by me acknowledging this now I can work through it!
I would love to discuss these questions more but I don’t want to waffle on 🙂
If I were to create a list with what is in this video, it would go on for pages! In a nutshell:
- Childhood playground incident
- How I was treated by “friends”
- Being teased because I wore glasses
- Not knowing why I couldn’t do things the same as other kids
- What a classroom was like (not good)
- What going to parties was like in my teens years
- Can I see at night? & What I think seeing at night would be like
- Playing sport at school…….
- My Trust issues
Here below is the link to the playlist on YouTube